Buddhist Eight-Fold Path & Parenting: An Interpretation

Wisdom:

1. Right View – This means to see things as they are with full understanding. It also encompasses the 4 Noble Truths: Life is suffering, the root of all suffering is our attachment, the cessation of suffering is possible, and there is a path you can gradually take to end such suffering. If we are on our own way to understanding this, we can begin living happily and free from expectation. We can use this aspect of the eight-fold path to our advantage with our children. They will do everything possible to seemingly drive us crazy and throw a wrench in everything we would like to do. So, if we understand where they are coming from, where they are at in life, & perhaps what they truly need at the moment, we will alleviate ourselves from the constant irritation of the children. Also, if we really understand that there will be sleepless nights and temper tantrums at the store and sibling rivalry and bad choices to be made, then we can better-prepare ourselves for the unwanted. If we know there’ll be suffering, we can accept it and work through it more efficiently and with piece of mind. This is not so easy to implement at all times, but it’s a practice, a work in progress. Both parents and children are happier and freer.

2. Right Intention – This is a more cognitive aspect of the path, as opposed to the previous more intuitive approach. Right intention obviously means using your logic to make ethical choices and to continue improving yourself. This includes remaining harmless, both mentally and physically, and steering clear of desire, which leads to suffering. I think this is mainly related to mothering in that we should all act on the basis of our love for our children and on what is their best interest, not our own. Keeping our anger out of picture is key. Anger is an emotional response to our own desire to hear silence or to be listened to or to have an uninterrupted moment to actually complete something of our own… Here is where we use our left-brain and remind ourselves that it isn’t always going to be to our liking and if we keep a clear head, we can be loving and true with ourselves and our little ones (and not so little ones).


Conduct:

3. Right Speech – This involves speaking truthfully, speaking nicely about others, speaking nicely to others, speaking with purpose and depth. The simple act of doing all of this around your children will rub off on them intensely and they will grow to do the same to all other people. When speaking honestly, we are being real with ourselves and our children. And as we speak well about our children, we will set ourselves up for positive thoughts of them. When we speak to them of other people, they will learn to not pass judgment. As we speak to them with kindness, they too will reciprocate this. When we only speak of things that matter we fill their minds full of knowledge and wisdom.

4. Right Action – This comes back to not harming others and also includes not being deceitful to others. When you display a compassion for others’ feelings, whether it’s humans, animals, or plant life (or even inanimate objects – it’s good to show some respect to them, too), your kids will be enveloped by such action and strive to do the same naturally and effortlessly as they continue through to adulthood. When you treat your children directly without harm, they will become confident and full of self-worth. Besides, words are strong, but actions speak louder than words. They are more likely to model your behavior than what you instruct them to do.

5. Right Livelihood – This one is a tougher one to relate to raising children. Right livelihood refers to making your living “righteously.” Basically, you can do anything as long as it doesn’t violate the principles of right speech and right action. As long as you aren’t doing something to harm or violate others in your profession or to be an accessory therein, then you are going the right path. Your children can and will develop an understanding and an interest in what you do for a living, so it is important to set the example you want your children to follow. Remember, what you do affects them far more greatly than what you tell them to do, despite the example you set.


Mental:

6. Right Effort – This falls into each separate category because, without the putting forth of effort, nothing else can be attained. Wanting to follow the eightfold path without any effort leaves one with an unfulfilled desire. On the flipside, making effort in the wrong direction is equally as distracting. Fundamentally, this means to try and prevent icky states of being, to abandon any icky states of being that have arisen, to bring forth pleasant states of being, and to continue to maintain such pleasant states of being. Obviously, good and not-so-good feelings will arise dealing with children and making choices for them. Best bet is to move through the current of these feelings and open yourself to a more conscious level of decision-making when dealing with your kids. Right effort will be part of our daily lives by following all other components of the eightfold path. It will not only help you in guiding your children; it will also teach your children indirectly to do things in life with intention and a sense of purpose.

7. Right Mindfulness – This is the mental ability to see things as they truly are, with clear consciousness and without getting carried away by perception. This is the act of contemplating the body, our feelings, our state of mind, and other phenomena. We can be mindful with our children in many ways. Being fully conscious of our body is the first step in being able to function fully and properly when dealing with our children. If we fail to take care of ourselves, we will fail to take care of others. We must listen to our own body’s needs as they arise. We must be mindful of our feelings, too, because emotions can carry us as far away from mindfulness as anything can. We will have a natural rise and fall of emotions and impressions, especially when dealing with our spirited little ones, but we must be willing process these feelings and transform them, so our actions can remain unclouded. Thus, our state of mind remains clear and free of negative perception when dealing with the often-perceived “unwanted” roller coaster of raising kids. Everything we do and say and think should be with clarity and thought, though none of us are perfect when dealing with our families, but we should strive for this more and more every day.

8. Right Concentration – This is similar to mindfulness in that it refers to developing a mental force that is used when making choices in life. This surrounds an ability to put full consciousness into one thing at a given time. This can be practiced in meditation and in many other ways. With children, I think we need to show them they are completely the most important person at any given time. I don’t mean to allow them to feel as though the world revolves around them. I simply mean to give them the time of day, fully. So often we are busy washing dishes and making phone calls and running off to work quickly as we drop them off at school. Why not stop the dishes for a couple of moments to turn and fully engage with them as they show off their scribbled artwork? Why not hang up the phone and go have a little conversation with your child about their day? Why not look them in the eye and really connect with them just before they embark upon their day without you at school, so they can be left with a sense of love and importance? Giving your children your full concentration will teach them to be present in every moment and help them bloom with self-confidence.


It’s hard. I know it is for me. But, whether you are Buddhist or Christian or Atheist or anything else under the sun, these are all wonderful ways of being that will not only help us in parenting, but also in every aspect of our life. That is the cool thing about Buddhism – there is just a lot of common sense to follow. Take what you will. I still have lots of work myself (we all do), but I still must remember that parenting, Buddhism, and life itself are all part of the journey. It is best to stop trying to reach a desired destination. Every day is a new day of refined practice.

Namaste